Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
