if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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