i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Is it because I queefed?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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