the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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