Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize