ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize