I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
