Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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