Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
