That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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