You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
