I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
