Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
