I just cut my nipple shaving
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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