Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So squirting runs in the family.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize