Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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