wakey wakey hands off snakey
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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