I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i came on her dog
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
