I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
