I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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