I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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