Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
