I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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