I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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