I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
