Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
