Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
