remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
