i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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