god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
