Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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