I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
