Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
