Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
