So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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