the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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