WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As shirtless as possible
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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