then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
