I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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