and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
