I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
