We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
