My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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