Four minutes until I can fart!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
