the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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