all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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