You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
