A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
