i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
