Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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