Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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