My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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