So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
