By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
