Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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