Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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