dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
