dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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